A Man’s Diary, Entry #1: On self-acceptance and self-respect

What a journey it has been and continues to be. My first poems posted here shine a little light on some of my own transformations over the years, themes such as burn-out, losing faith in myself, and giving up, and trying to understand who I was at the time.

Then came along a beautiful soul who has an ability to untangle my giant knots of thoughts and provide me with a different yet accessible perspective. To grow, I learned, I really needed to address, with myself, my tendency for self-resentment, self-punishment, not accepting myself for who I am, not giving myself the respect and love I deserved. I’ve reached only the first step (i.e. the realization) and only after a lifetime.

Only Will

I gave up, friend
It’s a long story
But I gave up
The worst part of it is
Losing the spring in my step
Losing the fun in my heart.
Sparking joy out of nothingness,
I don’t have that anymore

I wish it were a spell
It’s a long story
The story is irrelevant

Now all I have left is will
I can will myself to live
To run with the rats!

I can will myself to forget
The story, reason
More at ease with the inevitable
Everyday complicity

But will alone leaves one hollow
Like an empty husk
I know what it is I lost
I cannot will it
Will is all I have

Originally written in early 2014